The fear of a relapse has been almost greater than the fear of the original treatments not working. I worry about every little potential symptom, whether real or psychosomatic. Whether paranoid or not, I refuse to take my fever, skin irritation, cold or chest pains lightly. I was freaking out when I went for my second remission scan in late September. To make matter worse, I didn't dare to reveal my emotions to the people around me, for fear of creating unnecessary worries and anxieties.
Khai said it is better to appreciate life and that all of us will die eventually, maybe now, maybe later, maybe ten years down the road. So what's the point of me fearing death? Sigh.. I wish I can be positive after all that had happened. But I am blessed to have survived it to tell my story to all of you who are reading this right now. In the great words of The Wizard, The Wizard of Oz, "There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. True courage is in facing danger when you are afraid. "
Life is slowly returning to normal for me. I am gaining back my stamina to run and do activities, which had been totally impossible for the past 8 months. Though my physical appearances are reversing themselves, my hair is growing; slowly but surely, i'm shedding off my steriod-induced water retention, I look tired. Maybe I am tired, having to battle the illness physically and mentally.
But to my fellow survivors, friends or patients, the only way to heal is to stay positive. It will be hard but having a positive psychological state does help one's physical state. There will be times one will wonder how this happens and start to analyse the shit out of our past. Don't cos I did. It sure did not help. It made it difficult for the people around me to be near me. In the great words of Alice, Alice in Wonderland, "It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." So..Let's push on together. Stay positive. Spread the sunshine and the love..
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