My cancer remission updates

The fear of a relapse has been almost greater than the fear of the original treatments not working. I worry about every little potential symptom, whether real or psychosomatic. Whether paranoid or not, I refuse to take my fever, skin irritation, cold or chest pains lightly. I was freaking out when I went for my second remission scan in late September. To make matter worse, I didn't dare to reveal my emotions to the people around me, for fear of creating unnecessary worries and anxieties.

Khai said it is better to appreciate life and that all of us will die eventually, maybe now, maybe later, maybe ten years down the road. So what's the point of me fearing death? Sigh.. I wish I can be positive after all that had happened. But I am blessed to have survived it to tell my story to all of you who are reading this right now. In the great words of The Wizard, The Wizard of Oz, "There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. True courage is in facing danger when you are afraid. "

Life is slowly returning to normal for me. I am gaining back my stamina to run and do activities, which had been totally impossible for the past 8 months. Though my physical appearances are reversing themselves, my hair is growing; slowly but surely, i'm shedding off my steriod-induced water retention, I look tired. Maybe I am tired, having to battle the illness physically and mentally.

But to my fellow survivors, friends or patients, the only way to heal is to stay positive. It will be hard but having a positive psychological state does help one's physical state. There will be times one will wonder how this happens and start to analyse the shit out of our past. Don't cos I did. It sure did not help. It made it difficult for the people around me to be near me. In the great words of Alice, Alice in Wonderland, "It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." So..Let's push on together. Stay positive. Spread the sunshine and the love..

PowerJam06/Singapore Music Awards @ Zouk

my sexy bassist.. my camera whore.. he looks darn good from every angle.
Yes. GSE won an award, a recognition for the hard work we all had put in.

The late hours of jamming..

The lost sleep..

The hours spent at the recording studio..

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We are the Favourite Breakout Band.

Old pics-GSE, Baybeats, with sessionist, Terry

Foetus - Time marches on

Awesome video!!

My Chemical Romance-Heaven Help Us

This isn't a video clip but do check this song from their new album, Black Parade. Pure indulgence. Don't analyse, just emo....

Recurring dreams haunted my sleep for 5 consecutive nights in a row.

Financial assistance scheme for those who need it

One of my Primary 1 student's mother came up to me to submit her financial assistance application and insisted that I look through the supporting documents to ensure everything is in order. The eligibility criteria for this assistance scheme is that the family's gross household income does not exceed $1,500.00 a month. I looked at her application. This cute little girl is the youngest in the family and has 3 other siblings.

My heart sank and I could feel a deep ache in my heart when I saw the other supporting documents. Her father was sentenced to 12 years imprisonment last year and is currently serving his sentence at Changi Prison. Her mother saw the look on my face and added, in mixture of Malay and English, that the family is going through a rough time. She has problems maintaining the family with her monthly income of $900. They face terrible social isolation from the stigma involved. $900.00 to ensure life goes on smoothly for a family with 4 mouths to feed?? When I saw the girl in class after the talk with her mother, I so wanted to hold her in my arms. It must be really tough for the mother.

Juan Mann - Hugs

'Free Hugs' touched me. 'Free Hugs' made me cry. 'Free Hugs' is brilliant. I so need the compassionate, warm, loving, comforting human touch in this senseless world, where everyone seems to be in a rush. So don't hestitate. When you see me, come up to me and hug me. It will so make my day and it might make yours too. Here's a big hug to the brilliant guy behind this movement, 'Free Hugs', Mr Juan Mann..

Dior Saddle Bag (2006)

Keeping its traditional saddle shape, yet modern assets in form of a brass key and a medallion. The bag is specially treated to give its vintage feel. Seen on shoulders of namely Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, Sienna Miller, Kate Moss and Heidi Klum. John Galliano is a genius! Must I say more?

Desire at its best...

BVLGARI/BULGARI B Zero ring

Ooohhh.... Sweet!

I see your light, D

Spoke with D on the phone on Monday. It was a 30 minutes overseas call. Talked about my fear of commitment and my doubts on love. All made sense was a website he directed me to.

It is a photo project, 'As long As We Both Shall Live'. It is the work of a photographer who started taking picture portraits of his parents. The photographs only become significant when his father passed away. The photo journal celebrates love and examines assumptions about marriage, intimacy, family, gender roles, and the evolution of cultural and generational values.

The photo journal consists of photos and interviews of couples who are still very much in love, after more than 40 years of marriage. Here's what touched me and made me shed some fear and doubts:

.The definition of real love.

Real love is...
Erma: Stable.
Fulton: Not holding grudges. For one thing. To stand by your partner no matter what they do, and caring for them. No matter what happens.
Del: I want her to be happy, I'm more concerned that she's happy, or that she's doing what she wants, you know, and she feels exactly the same way. Neither of us are selfish in any respect, when it comes to that. And I think that's been a real key.

.When you don't see eye to eye.
Odile: When you put the blame or something to someone, then you remove yourself, you distance yourself from that person. And that creates a wall, and a lack of communication. And after a while, when people are unable to communicate, either they split, or they go their own way.
Jack: Sometimes I think love needs to have a challenge to make it or break it. I think that many of the arguments are casual bits of offended vanity; but deeper love come at the deeper trials. I think Dorothy’s cancer has caused me to try to overlook my shortcomings, which I have many of, and it looks like I’m having a losing battle with it; and I keep remembering how dearly I love her, and how trivial my objections are. And I usually am a little late at realizing this and I have to come back and give her a kiss or something like that to try and get back among her good graces.
Phyllis: I think one of the main things that keeps us from quarrelling is that we never -- or 90% never -- blame the other person for something that has happened. I mean, if you make a mistake, so you made a mistake, that's all.
Leonard: We all make mistakes.
Harold: It’s funny, you know. Over the years, I’ve always felt it wasn’t really “healthy” that we didn’t argue fairly often. ‘Cause arguing at least means dialogue, and we hadn’t had that many dialogues.
Marcus: Each of us – I think each of us has a fairly keen sense of what the other’s boundaries are, and as you approach those, you know, the force field builds, and you back off, or you ease back in that sense.

Thanks, D. I see your light.

Tele-Conversation with M

Sunday ended with me, sitting all alone infront of my brand-new TV, ironically a gift from him. I would exchange the TV anytime for one more minute with him. The skies grew dark. I sat in the living room, in darkness and in silence. I needed a change so I picked up my phone and messaged M. M called and here is the gist of our tele-conversation:

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M: What happened?
Me: I don't know anymore.
M: I can talk to you but you must promise me one thing.
Me: Ok... and what is that?
M: You cannot cry. If you are going to cry, I'm going to hang up the phone.
Me: Ok.. Don't worry. I won't.
M: So what happened this time? I thought you guys were fine after the episode last week.
Me: I thought so too. Thursday was good. Friday was fine. Saturday was great. And then came Sunday... ... ... I should have just done what I had set out to do... ... ...

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M: Men have egos and they hate to know that they are unable to provide for the person they love or carry out duties or things on their own. Men approach problems in a very different manner, as copmpared to women. For men, solving a problem presents an opportunity to demonstrate their competence and their strength of resolve. And when faced with a sore ego, they naturally react with a defence, which they are not even aware of. It is very natural.
Me: But the last thing I wanna do is to hurt his ego. Doing something or anything for the person you love is natural too.
M: Do whatever you wanna do but don't comment on it. Don't talk about the process. Just do it and shut up. He's probably already feeling bad about having you do his work and when you told him that you might be the one doing all his work in the end, that hurt his ego.
Me: But I meant well. I will do all his work, if the need arises. No questions asked. No complaints. I am more than happy that I can be of any help to reduce his workload or stress.
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M: Give him a night. Let him chill. Let him watch his porn. Let him sleep. He will be fine in the morning. Message him tomorrow and when he's ready to talk, call him. Go in with the mindset that you want to work things out with him and that you guys will be together forever and ever and ever. Your tone will follow suit.

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I did feel so much better, after speaking to M. I sat infront of my brand-new TV and thought about the day-long unresolved conflict. I did not follow exactly what M asked me to do but I did what I did, with THE mindset. All I got was, "I don't know where's my threshold. What if it happens again?" ... ... ...

My conclusion:
Maybe it's like what Ginette believes. We are all fragments in the universe whom were once stars. For every star, there is a twin mate out there. For me, a soulmate is a person who shares our sense of life, which comes the creation of a private and parallel universe out of our sense of individuality, our differences and similarities. This universe is when we share silent understandings, unspoken words, humorous signals, and focused glances.

My last note to K:
I reflect on our conversation on the need for protocols, even in a relationship. I said it was to create a certain order within chaos. You know, I write better than I speak, here's something for you:
Love is a sanctuary. Sometimes love is the only point of certainty, and the only thing that is solid and real in the midst of chaos and ambiguity. In that sense, love is THE protocol for the many areas in our lives.

You are my black star

Black
Black is the color of the primal void from which comes all Creation.
Black is the color of rest where I empty my mind and spirit.
Star

You are my rock star. You are my glittery star.

The Star symbolizes inspiration towards my perfection of self.

The Star symbolizes the penultimate or supremity of the divine.

The Star is an extremity of light and perfection.

The five-point Star bears the natural figure of man.

The Star symbolizes hope and guidance.

The Star symbolizes eternity.

The Star is pre-eminently the symbol of Venus, the goddess of love.

.jaded needs love.

needs love jaded

love needs jaded?

needs jaded love

love, jaded needs!

.jaded is my new name.

Went to the opening of this month-long exhbition, showcasing work of 7 artists, illustrators and designers. At City gallery@Basheer Graphics Books, Level 4 Bras Basah Complex. Unconventional medium and amazing graphics. Go down if you have the time and show them brothers some love. ;) Exhibition is on till the 30th October.

MSN with M

M: Oi! rested well?
Me: K and I had a tiff.
M: dang.. u do know he cares for you a lot rite? cos its true... he keeps telling us how much he loves u. a few of us close mates that is.
Me: he did??
M: he tells me abt his feelings for ya
Me:You are making me cry. I was depressed the whole nite. he thinks I seek perfection and that nothing is good enough for me.
M: dun be silly. ultimately he cares alot for u and i know that he will feel SHITE as hell if he cant acheive what u want
Me: He thinks i shld get a third neutral party to talk abt the issue, which i find totally unnnecessary
M: i figured man and woman are forever gonna be different and we view things differently... threshold very very different as well. so sometimes we just need to move on and not be affected.. cos the core reasons for thge arguments are usually driven by the desire to make things better
Me: We came to that same conclusion too.
M: and a third party HELPS. it IS NECESSARY. we are too consumed into out own selfish tots and needs more often than not, we forget whats really important. im not saying the 3rd opinion will be always rite. but more often than not u'll find insights that'll help. it makes you wonder if you're right all the time or you just choose to skew the scenario and read the situation in a way that makes you the one that's right all da time...
Me: true that but wont it be a third different opinion?
M: u need to learn how to slowly open yourself up. so doesn't it help when you open up sometimes? and how it is something that you can feel vulnerable abt? Am i gonna have a different perception abt u now? Hell no. Am i thinking u're some problem child and dun wanna have anything to do with u again? Quite the contrary really, cos the next time I see u i know i can talk to u at a different level cos i understand you more now...

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M: now go kiss and makeup with that wuss... that magic shithead.

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soul mates

Do you believe in soul mates?

Someone whom you have a soul connection?

I do.

Someone whom you have aligned goals and values. It doesn’t have to be identical but at least compromised to be aligned.

Do you believe in magick?

Editors - Munich (video)

Moving Units

I like Moving Units. I never look back since I first listened to them. Very dancey. Brilliant tunes..

Cansei de Ser Sexy - Alala

abit of 'Peaches', abit of 'Ladytron'. Infectious tunes, electro sounds I like. But they really need to work on their style-wise.

hellogoodbye's 'Here In Your Arms'

i like where we are

when we drive in your car

i like where we are

here

cause our lips can touch

and our cheeks can brush

our lips can touch

here

i like where you sleep

when you sleep next to me

i like where you sleep

here

where you are the one, the one that lies close to me

whispers, "hello, i've missed you quite terribly"

i fell in love, in love with you suddenly

now theres no place else i can be but here in your arms

It is the kinda song I will break into a skip even I had a long, shitty day. It is the kinda song that makes dancing in the rain awesome again, just like the way I used to, when I was a little girl. It is the kinda song you realised you found love and am still loving it. =) It's that warm, fuzzy feeling...