Thank you

This post is dedicated to everyone who has placed me in your prayers. It is because of the immense support and love from all of you that I gain courage and strength to go through each day.

Thank you, fgl, for your kind words and concern.
Thank you, people who only knew me through my blog but have prayed for my health.
And of course, a BIG thank you to my loved ones and friends for standing by me and willing to sacrifice your previous time to walk with me, on this journey I am embarking to fight cancer.

I am truly blessed and thankful. I believe God placed me here at this diificult juncture for a reason. I believe there is a lesson to be learnt. I will not let cancer win. I will fight and live strong..

PET Scan

I did my PET. HORROR!!! The entire procedure took about 3 hours. I was injected with four different kinds of radioactive fluids half-hourly, while lying in a small room to wait for the fluids to take effect in my body. The small room is monitored with a CCTV camera, which made me feel uncomfortable and queer. I have never been to an asylum but I guess this is how the patients feel, confined in a white room like this. The last injection is a fluid which made me want to take a piss every 5 minutes. After an hour and a half of monitoring and injections, I was led to the scanning room. I looked at the tunnel-like machine with much apprehension and fear. SHIT!! Enclosed space! I can’t even handle, been in a lift. I laid down and the scanning procedure started. I shut my eyes as the I entered the “tunnel”. Ten minutes into the procedure, I needed to take a piss again. Damn the stupid fluid that was injected into me! I tried to clear my mind and thought only about meeting Sweetie later in the evening. The exigency to go to the toilet got stronger. Alright. I couldn’t hold it no more. Still in the “tunnel”, I called out in a small whispering voice, “Excuse me..” Nobody came to attend to me. I started to panic. I broke out into cold sweat. The narrow tunnel was causing me to hyperventilate. I called out again and nobody came to get me out. I was at the brink of insanity and I started screaming and going hysterical. Still nobody came...

my first chemo treatment

Yes.. I cut my hair again, shorter than my short crop. My hair will just get shorter. I went for my first chemo treatment at National Cancer Centre last Friday. Mummy and I got there at 9am to do my blood test. We had to wait an hour for the blood test results. The blood test results will determine if I am physically able to be put on chemo treatment that day. I am placed on the ABVD treatment. What is ABVD? It is a combination of 4 drugs that supposed to kill the cancer cells in my body. Apparently, the drugs are so dumb they kill my good red and white blood cells too. These drugs get into my body and destroy all my cells. My treatment is a 4-hour procedure, which will take place fortnightly. The nurse attached to me was Nurse Kim. Really nice lady. She patiently explained the different procedures of the chemo treatment and how I could handle the after-effects. Nurse Kim gave me two hot packs to place on my veins to soothe the pain away. The after-effects for me was nausea and vomiting. My sense of smell became really sensitive to the point that all the smells I used to love was too overpowering. I am hungry but once I smell food, I feel like puking. As I am updating my blog right now and recalling the experience, I feel sick again.

On a positive note, Khai was with me during the treatment, watching "Wedding Crashers". Comedy does help at times like this. 1 treatment down and 11 more to go.

the day before I had my long mane chopped

Since my treatment is going to lead to complete hair loss and as a preparation for my chemotherapy treatment, I decided to have my long hair chopped off, all the way from waist length to short crop. Sweetie brought his camera to take last pictures of me, with my long crowning glory. We went trigger- happy at the cafe.

lung function test

I did my lung function test today. My appointment was at 11am but I arrived at the K27 clinic at ENT, GH Blk 2, at 11.20am. I waited till 12, before I did my test. As I waited, I saw many others who went into the room and had to stop the test midway because of breathing difficulties. Most of the patients taking the test were people who suffer from asthma. I sat there, waiting and reading my 30 kids' journals, which entertained me fortunately. Though they never fail to drive me up the wall sometimes, I miss their innocence and adorable faces.

I completed my lung function test in 20 minutes. It all involves me, blowing big breaths into this bubble machine, which sends data into a computer and generates a graph. It was a breeze, compared to the horrifying bone marrow test yesterday.

I will be going for my PET scan tomorrow and the entire procedure will take 3 hours.

my journey starts now...

My journey with cancer started yesterday, with my first visit to National Cancer Centre. My whole family and Khai were there to kickstart the journey with me. My specialist gave everyone an overview of the treatment of my illness, which is chemotherapy. I will embarking on a 6-month chemo treatment, which is 6 cycles of two treatments per cycle. Each treatment will take me 4 hours. A hyperactive person like me to be sitting in a chair for 4 hours. I really cannot imagine.. I will have complete hair loss, by the time of my second cycle. No more shopping for hairbands.. No more shopping for shampoo.. I am trying to take in all that I can, as bravely and optimistically as I really can.. There is so much fear and uncertainty that is in me that I lay awake at night, thinking about them.

I had my blood test yesterday. They took a total of 7 tubes of my blood for testing. The nurse took blood from my right and left arm.

Today, I did my bone marrow test. I wish I will never ever, ever have to go through that test ever, ever again.. It was one of worst experience of pain I have ever had. The entire procedure lasted 30 minutes. A metal tube, the size of a Yakult straw, was inserted into my back pelvic bone to remove bone and blood sample for testing. It was such an ordeal.. I was in such a state of shock or trauma that I could not stop shaking and shivering, even after the procedure.

I will be going for the lung test tomorrow.

The day my world crashed on me

I went back to TTSH to remove my stitches and obtain my lab report, as scheduled on 27th January 2006. I think this will be a date I will find it difficult to remove from my memories. Khai finished school and brought me to the hospital to see my doctor.

We arrived late for my appointment. I waited anxiously to see the doctor. As I got into the doctor's room, the first few words that came out from Dr Ang's mouth, "Things don't look good and I have a piece of not too good news for you. Is your mother here with you?" I really didn't know what to expect. The initial suspicion of me having lymphoma is confirmed and the hospital will be officially transferring my case to National Cancer Centre. My world crashed and my heart sunk. Khai reached over and grabbed my cold and numb hands. Still in disbelief, I sat there like a rock. They removed my stitches and there I was; I felt like crying.. I felt like screaming.. I wish the Earth would just open up and swallow me in..

Khai broke the news to Mummy over the phone. She was too in disbelief. Soon the news started spreading like wildfire, just like the cancer cells in my body. My aunts and Grandma came to know about it.

I am in an unstable state right now. Momentarily, I feel like crying and screaming. I am in state of hysteria.. I tried to remain calm and collected but I can't.. One thing for sure is that I am very.. very... lost.