Let me be your guardian angel Baby..

Let me be your angel Baby.. I don't know how much time the Big Guy up there is giving me.. But I will always watch over you and make sure everything will be alright, no matter where I am..

Snow Patrol - Run
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak
I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.

hair appointment at shunji matsuo (khai) 

dinner with my family @ far east (ryan) 

Dinner @ Ramen-Ten

tempura anyone? (ryan)

A day out with my family started with meeting Grandma at American Club. We were just hanging out at the jackpot room, waiting for my aunts to arrive. Ryan got busy at the children's corner. It was an informal gathering cos everyone is concerned about my condition. I was like an alien specimen; everyone wanted a piece of me. Unanimously, everyone agreed that I shouldn’t have gone for surgery but to take the all natural Chinese healing. And yes.. I did not go for my scheduled surgery cos Mummy thinks there are too much underlying risks involved. My only concern is that I am leaving for Bangkok and Koh Phagnan on Sunday and if I were to go ahead with the surgery, will I be able to remove my stitches on time to leave Singapore by then? Aunt Brenda has strong doubts that the surgeon will even permit my departure.

Everyone freaked me out with their versions of pain management after surgery and the after-effects of chemotherapy. Thanks people. I think I really needed that when my morale is at the lowest and I am currently really trying my best to stay high.. Please be a kind supporter of the "Keep Magdelene alive" campaign.. All I want to do right now, at this moment of time, is just to get out of the country with Sweetie on Sunday.

With full attendance, we headed down to Far East for dinner. Mummy bought 3 pairs of shoes while we made our way to the restaurant. Talk about like mother, like daughter. We bought a couple of maternity dresses for my sister-in-law, Pauline, who is expecting her second baby. Ryan is already one big baby. I hope Ryan will be nice to his baby brother, who is due in March. He will be our third March baby in the family.

recording the keyboard section @ myx 

recording @ myx 

recording at myx studios (khai n saiful)

Our first recording was at Myx Studios. Recording started at 6, with Fandy's drums section. Sweetie and I turned up at about 7 to do our individual sections. I had school meetings from 8am till about 6. It has been a tiring day. After the drums sections, we did the bass and guitar parts, followed by my keyboard section. While we were all doing our individual parts, Fandy's sweetheart, Wendy, was patiently waiting by the side.. Very sweet of her... Fandy is one lucky guy.. Our sound engineer, Ragu, was pretty anal about the sounds, which is a good thing. We tried to squeeze in the vocals section but time was up cos it was already 10 and we were all so tired. We had fun with Fandy showing off his "SBC" dance skills.. Heheh.... As for me, all I can say about the recording at Myx, which is at Tong Lee Building is that building gives me the creeps... Going to the toilet, located at a stretch of dark long corridors is a torture.

Seaside Sandwich

seaside sandwich (my version of koh phagnan)

The seaside sandwich I made for Sweetie consists of the following ingredients:

• peanut butter
• jam
• cereals
• teddy biscuits

middle class wanker 

sex drugs rock & roll (khai) 

phunk studio's work 

Phunk Studio @ Singapore History Museum

phunk studio's exhibition

Missed the opening of Phunk Studio's "Decade of Decadence" exhibition as I had to be at Dino's place for visiting or should I say dinner. Heard from the guys that loads of booze went round all night. They continued their merry-making at Home Club, which I heard Alvin is one of the shareholders of that place. Anyways, Sorry guys for not been able to attend and witness you guys getting high and all.. Heheh.. Just kidding. =) Have always been a big fan of your work. Today, I finally went down to see your work! It's amazing to see all your old works, dating all the way back to Trigger Magazines Days. Kudos guys! I was just awed by your works and I believe you guys are an inspiration to many aspiring artists or designers, not to mention myself. -----"We hate conformity"----- Can't agree more on that!!

TTSH (Episode Two)

Had SEED workshop in the morning. Got to meet all the P1 teachers from the N7 Cluster. I was only able to attend the first half of the workshop cos had to be at TTSH for my second appointment with the specialist. Teachers from the different schools shared their SEED journey with the young ones. Love the pictures of the cute little ones from the different schools, all engaged in their learning and having fun while learning.

Left after lunch to meet Sweetie to go to TTSH. Made him a "seaside" sandwich with peanut butter (sand), jam (sea) and different assorted cereals; a preview of what we will be like on the beach of Koh Phagnan. We head down to TTSH and waited to see the specialist. I was really apprehensive about the results of the tests they did on me last week. The wait was a killer. I didn't get to see Dr Mark Thong today instead I was referred to another doctor. She sat me down and slowly but surely revealed my condition. She explained that the next course of action is surgery to remove the entire lymph node from my neck. Then she left and came in with three other doctors. Having so many doctors around me was so daunting.They blocked my view of Sweetie who was sitting infront of me, at the other end of the room. I was too shocked to react in that situation when the senior doctor tried to explain my condition. They found cancerous cells in my test but had to verify further by removing my affected lymph node to send for further testing. It is only after the lymph node is removed then they will be able to decide on the next course of action for me.. My heart sank at the mention of "cancerous".. Long strings of words started sprouting out from her mouth. "Hodgkin's Lymphoma".. "blood cancer"... "incision".. "chemotherapy".. Half the time I wasn't listening but tryng to catch a glimpse of Sweetie's face, amidst the crowd of doctors infront of me, for assurance. I really didn't know how to react. I am lost.

Surgery is scheduled on Tuesday. Will be on GA and procedure will take an hour or so. This will be my first surgery. The doctors did explain the risks. Like I said, I wasn't listening........

phunk studio 

recycling art project (rachel and group) 

recycling art project (kelly and group) 

ENT @ TTSH (Clinic 1B)

my wait at the specialist's (view from khai's lap)

17 November finally arrived. It's been a long wait. Definitely not anxious about my condition but apprehensive.. Sweetie and I went to the specialist clinic early. We sat and we waited and yes, and we waited. It's crazy when you have an appointment with the specialist yet you still have to wait for almost half an hour before they register you. If that's the case, why the need for an appointment? Just been typically Singaporean, procastinating about everything under the freakin' sun.. While we waited, Sweetie told me that I could be tanner than this girl who was at the counter if we go to Koh Phangan. It's basically really tough for me to get tanned cos I get red instead. I can spend hours under the sun, baking myself silly and going home red and in pain, but without a tan. Sigh...

Staring at Room 14 and armed with the number 1430, we waited.. And yup, I was called. The doctor looked at my previous X-ray.

1. Did a bronchoscopy, a procedure whereby a flexible optic scope is inserted through my nose down my airways, to view my throat and the inside of my lungs. He sprayed his medication into my nose and throat, to make them feel numb. He inserted the scope three times into my nose. My experience: My nose felt wierd and numb for the next few hours after the procedures.

2. Did a biopsy. The procedure involves the removal of tissue from the lumps on my neck for microscopic examination and culture to make a diagnosis. The tissue sample was obtained by use of a syringe. He took two samples. My experience: Sharp pain at the two points of needle incision. Bleeding. Biopsy areas ache madly, even now as I write this blog.

3. Did a blood test. I am like really used to this procedure now that I feel like a bloody junkie. I lost count of the amount of blood that had been taken from my left arm this year.. I really lost count of the number of times they have drawn my blood for test...

My next appointment to get the diagnosis is the coming week.. Oh boy, yet another wait...

My worst panic attack

My Saturday started out great.. Spent the afternoon with Sweetie and Herman at Kaki Bukit.. Then we went for a swim at the pool. It was so crowded. We did our 10 laps in the pool and headed off cos it looked like it was going to rain. We had dinner and then decided to chill at home before heading out for jamming. I had one of my worst panic attacks today. I have had panic attacks, usually mild. Most of it were just having difficulty breathing, feeling nausea and sudden chills..

But the one I had today was one of its kind. It just hit me but I was fortunate to have him around with me at that point of time. His comforting hugs and voice kept me sane throughout the ordeal. I really felt I was going to die. It is what he called, "The Impending Doom". I felt a sharp pain in my chest and abdominal area. I was so scared to a point, I was almost hysterical. I had huge problems trying to breathe and I felt I was going to pass out. Like most of my panic attacks, it passed. This time, it took about 15 minutes before everything subsided.

I have had panic attacks since I was in my teens but was only officially diagnosed with panic disorders last year, prescribed with medications to keep it in control. To top that up, I am claustrophobic (fear of enclosed spaces). My heart starts racing and I start to break into chills when I am in a lift or crowded places. I have learned to handle my phobia well so far but sometimes, it will trigger my panic alarms. I try to stay close to doors in crowded areas and lifts. I am always in a constant search for escape routes. I try to build my very own personal space in a crowded area mentally...

Today, I am recovering from my shock.. The feeling of dying is so overwhelming..

dinner at naan store, little india (yc, khai n dino) 

gse's drummer boy (fandy) @ pow 

sembawang music festival gathering @ PoW

p.o.w (yc n khai)

Last evening, GSE attended the Sembawang Music Festival gathering at Prince of Wales, Dunlop Street. We met up with most of the other bands who will be playing and were informed of our slot for the festival. GSE will be rocking the audience on 21 January 2006 (Saturday), 1700hrs at the main stage of the festival. It will be a 40-minute set. GSE's merchandise and singles will be also sold at the festival itself, for the very first time. So catch us at the festival.. Meanwhile, wanna know more about us and this time, catch us live with our bassist, who had recovered from his recent lung infection?? Then make a date with us and come down to Prince of Wales, next Friday (18 Nov 2005) at 9pm, for a preview of what you will be getting at the festival..

khai rocks.. 

Thank you.. Thank you..

The whole week after the rock star event at Zouk has been a rather sluggish one. Sweetie is healing from his lung infection, having to take at least 6 pills at a time. I am trying all I can to nurse him back to health again. We would like to thank everyone for all the concern we have been showered with. We are truly blessed.. We just can’t wait to get well and get GSE on the road again. Thank you Siu Yee.. Thank you Bebe.. Thank you Meredith.. for keeping me in your prayers.. I hope the primary diagnosis of TB is just yet another scare.. I will be seeing the specialist on the 17 Nov for biopsy. Sweetie and I have been keeping a rather optimistic view of my condition. I want to go to Bali to surf with Sweetie this coming holiday.. So people.. not to worry.. we WILL get well and here’s the coming GSE’s gigs not to be missed:

• 18 Nov 2005 (Prince of Wales, Dunlop Street)
• 21 Jan 2006 (Sembawang Music Festival, Sembawang park)

So watch this space for more details..