my birthday with GSE family

A few days after Sweetie's actual birthday, which falls on a Tuesday and was ruined by some unexpected package, containing pictures of his past, it was mine. It took me a few days to rid the images from my mind. I haven't been feeling too good myself as I was going through a difficult hair issue. All I could think of was "please, no surprise.." because I don't want my friends to see me at my current state.

Everything was going as per normal on the eve of my birthday. The band had to jam because of the upcoming gigs. We have a returning member to the Great Spy family, Song. Jamming went on from 8.30, all the way to 11.30pm. I knew the guys had something up their sleeves. Fandy turned up for jamming, hiding behind the stairs... The guys were rushing me to the studio to set up my keyboards.... Sweetie blocked the entrance when I wanted to go back to the studio to take my things, after jamming.... I went downstairs and waited. And yes.. the guys had a surprise birthday cake, Swenson's mango ice-cream cake, for me. What better way to celebrate my birthday with 4 all so good-looking guys.. Heheh.. Thank you so much, guys!! Thank you, Sweetie!!

Found some pics from 2004. Wow.. That's like almost 2 years ago. Time seems to fly, with a blink of an eye. I miss my long hair.. I really do. Everyone around me has been really comforting. Some have suggested to go bald with me. Some nights, I lay awake wondering about the superficiality of my looks. With or without my waist-length locks, I am still me. It gets to me sometimes, wondering if I will get through the entire treatment. My spirits have been low these days but I struggle to stay true to myself. Haven't been going to work and I seem to have lose the drive and strength to fight, the one thing that many wish to pick my brain for. What happened to the fierce fighter?? I wonder.. I wish I can be like everyone else, at least having work and irritating colleagues to bitch about, over dinner and drinks. But I don't..

my third chemo

I went for my third chemo yesterday and that will make it Cycle #2a for me. Time seems to pass so slowly. It seems like I have been to the hospital for so many times now and I am only into my second cycle of chemo. I am 3 chemo treatments down and 9 more to go.

I had the most horrifying experience at the centre yesterday. I was brought into Room 7. There are no beds and no windows. The only things in sight are 6 arm chairs, 3 facing each other. The nurse attached to me, inserted the needle into the wrist of my left hand and sent a sharp pain to my fingers. This is unlike any pain I have ever felt in my life. Unlike body piercing... Unlike tattoos.. It was so.. painful that tears could not stop streaming down my face. Each time she tried to insert the needle further into my vein, the pain got worse. It came to a point I started screaming. The other patients in the same room had a shock of their lives. Mummy came running into the room and asked to see the staff nurse. The staff nurse came and pulled the needle out. I was in such a state of trauma that my whole body couldn't stop shaking.

The staff nurse looked at me and said.
"We are going to try this again. Your veins are really tiny and especially when you have gone through a series of chemo, your veins will get even smaller and sometimes, they might stiffened. So let's try the veins on your back arms. Here's my hand. Just grab it when you feel the pain. I am here so just breathe with me and everything will be alright."
I did not talk and just did what I was told.

My chemo started at 3.15pm. Mummy left me in the safe hands of Khai and went home when he came at 4.30pm. The entire chemo treatment lasted all the way till 7.40pm. My next chemo will be on 4th April and that will be cycle#2b..

Khai's surprise birthday get-together

The surprise birthday dinner was a blast. Khai and I went out of the house in the early evening. We went to White Room, Haji Lane. He bought me my lightning bolt and Flying-V brooches from there. We went to take a look at their other stuff. The accessories are really nice. All the while when we were out, I was trying my best to delay our dinner time. My reservation at Brewerkz was at 8pm. The guys are supposed to be there at 8 and I will bring Khai down at 8.30pm or so. By the time we were done at Haji Lane, It was only like 6pm. We went to Muji, Capitol and Peninsula. It was only 7pm!! I couldn't think of other places to bring him to drag the time before we go for dinner. So I made him walk to Empress Place and sat down at the Singapore River. Hahaha.. All the time I was staring at the watch, praying time will pass faster.. It was only when I saw him getting grouchy because he was hungry and tired of walking that I revealed where we were going for dinner. The feet hurt from all that walking too. So we slowly.... made our way to Brewerkz.

Mike and Leigh were the first to arrive. Th rest came respectively. It was a long table for 20 people. Khai was surprised and delighted with what I had planned. I am really glad that he managed to smile after all that walking I made him go through to delay the time so the surprise will fall into places. Heheh.. Anyway, it was alittle difficult to converse to everyone due to the table arrangment. The next time I am planning a dinner, I am going to ask for a round table. That's for sure!! The food was good and the company, superb! The cake was brought out after dinner. It was a delicious chocolate ice-cream cake, from Swenson's. All thanks to Herman. Excellent choice of cake.

I really had a good time and so did Khai. Thank you everyone for making the dinner possible. Thank you..

My soulmate. My love. My other half. The one person I truly want to thank for believing in me and going all out to brave any storm with me. He cut his hair recently and it really makes him look like "The Rock". Don't you think?

My hair is thinning at a rate I cannot comprehend and soon I will shave it all off. My hair started falling off in clumps days after my 2nd chemo treatment. I was frustrated that I could no longer enjoy the simplest pleasure in my life; shower, without having hair all over the white bathroom floors. The amount of hate that was conjured from looking at myself in the mirror was unbelievable.. I am starting to accept the fact that this is part of my process of healing.. I actually have people coming to me telling me that I look good. Song, a friend who just returned from London, thinks I look like a boy, with this hair. Heheh.. Can't wait to see what they will say next when I shave it all off..

dealing with side effects of my chemo

It has been a week after my 2nd chemo. I am handling the side effects better than the first time. There are many side effects of chemo and it varies from person to person. As for myself, I have to handle with:

• Fatigue - I can feel extremely tired all of a sudden and my legs feel weak. I haven't gone to the gym for months now. I miss running.. I really do. Was telling Khai the other day that I wish I can go back to the gym soon. Obviously, it is not quite an excellent idea but I starting slow, with yoga..
• Headaches
• Muscle, body and stomach pain - The pain starts from the neck to my hips, running through my spinal cord. Khai just scheduled a massage for the both of us tomorrow. Can't wait and I really do hope it helps.
• Nausea - I control it with the medication, prescribed by my doctor.
• Insomnia - Though good rest is essential during my treatment period, I am having problems getting to sleep at night.

My advice to anyone who is currently dealing with cancer directly or indirectly is to surround the person with cancer with loved ones and friends. Being in the hospital or having to stay home a lot to rest can be isolating and cause the person to feel lonely. It really helps having people around duiring the treatment period. Keep in mind that the person you care about is simply sick. Despite the cancer, he or she is still the same person you've always known and loved.

I have grown alittle, I guess. With cancer, I have actually started living again, ironically. I never realised how much time I spent planning for the week, or month, or year........until when I was diagnosed with cancer, my next treatment or doctor appointment was about as far as I could go. I took my eye off the far horizon and started enjoying the moment; enjoy the things I can do and which give me the simplest pleasure, rather than spoiling them by worrying.

my 2nd chemo treatment

I went for my 2nd chemo treatment last Monday. With so much apprehension and anxiety, I got to the centre early to get my blood test done. I have been on one cycle of Neupogen jabs to boost my white blood count. I crossed my fingers, hoping I will pass the blood test and get on with my chemo treatment scheduled for the day, with no delay. The results were out after an hour and yup, I'm good to go so I proceeded to Level 3, which is the chemo wards, with Mummy. During my wait, Mummy made friends with a lady who was suffering with Breast Cancer Stage 2. It was her last chemo treatment. I looked around me and everyone have some sort of head gear, be it a wig, scarf or hat to conceal their hair loss. I saw clumps of hair, choking the sink in the toilet just now. My time will come soon..

the vomit bowl in the toilet of NCC

This is something we don't usually see in public toilets. I just had to snap a few pictures of what I found in the toilets at the National Cancer Centre. Due to after-effects of chemo, these things are found in most toilets.

Neupogen Injections

Yesterday, I was at the centre by 11am with Mummy. I did my blood test and the results, after an hour of wait, showed that my body was unable to take chemo for the day. With all the stuff that I packed to spend my day at the chemo room; laptop, DVDs, school worksheets to mark.... Sigh.. My doctor said that my white blood count was way too low and my body will not be able to take the 4-hour chemo treatment.

I am instead placed on a 2 cycle of Neupogen, which is a white blood count booster. Each cycle will consists of 3 days worth of Neupogen injections, to be done at the same time for per cycle of 3 days. I am to inject myself at the abdomen. Okok.. I used to wish that I have a junkie body.. I was really just kidding.. I have bruised injection marks on the veins of my arms and wrists, from the syringes of the drips, chemo and blood test. And now, to add to the collection is my abdominal area..

Chemo has been postponed till Monday and hopefully, my white blood count by then, would have recovered and is at the appropriate level to undergo chemo.