It comes in waves

Main caregiving of an almost six years old special needs child, breastfeeding a two years old typical toddler, organising the household, doing my Masters, running a home business is slowly taking a toll on my mental state. I feel helpless at times and the need to be strong. I have started to stay away from friends with the excuse of minimalising and decluttering. I really hope he can be more hands-on. But he's not yet there. 

He does it only when he feels the time is right for him. I really wish he can do more around the house like keeping track on what's happening in schools for the two girls, Kyra's too many specialists/medical appointments and hospital therapies, running the household (grocery, as in food for the the girls, ensuring the girls get the right sized clothes to wear, their daily necessities like toiletries), helper's matters like salary or other miscellaneous, the girl's school fees, making sure Kyra gets enough of home therapy and Bella gets enough of outdoor play and educational activities.

For now, it's just me, sitting here trying to do up orders for my home business while trying to read my journals for my dissertation, way past midnight, after putting the girls to bed. x

Somebody say the strangest thing (the one thing that broke me. Seems like nothing but it broke me.) - another draft sitting in my draft box for the past 8 years

Context:
He went on a holiday trip with his ex-girlfriend. However, according to him, his ex-girlfriend didn't want to let him go. The ticket to a 3 week holiday was a birthday gift. He told his current girlfriend that the only reason he would go for the trip was to visit his sister who was overseas. His reassurance was that it was a family trip so there would be minimum contact with her on the trip. He then added that they had a house and a car in their names in that country so he needed to sign the legal papers to withdraw his name. So his current girlfriend told him to go on the trip and settle whatever was needed.

He called his current girlfriend twice during the 3 weeks he was away. He said that her relatives and parents were furious with him that he decided to withdraw his name from the co-ownership of the house and the car. There were fights so he took a flight out on his own and he had nowhere to go. He was lost in a foreign land but he met a friend, who offered him a place to stay. He then added that she then flew in to look for him and she was unstable, crying most of the time.

He arrived at the airport and called his current girlfriend. She would have thought everything would have been settled. However, a year later, on his birthday, his ex-girlfriend sent him a parcel, containing all the pictures they took on that trip. Upon seeing the photos, the girlfriend flew into a rage. What she saw in the pictures was the exact opposite of how he had described the trip.

His remarks:
"I didn't ask her to send me the photos. So take it on her and not me."

"Yes, we kissed and hugged. There were hugging and kissing because I needed to reaffirm that there was nothing between us. If I had not gone through that or went on the trip, I might not even be with you. Even though she and I had broken up, we are still friends and it is normal for friends to hug and kiss."

"I didn't sleep with her on the same bed. The pictures were planned by her, in a way so that it will be seen as if we shared a bed. She likes to take pictures of me sleeping. She is a planner."

"Yes, you are right that she dolled up in sexy lingerie to seduce me. I didn't do anything. If you do not believe, do you want to call her and ask?"

His current girlfriend's reaction:
"I love you. Please don't break my heart."

Independence.. A gift or a downfall.. (A draft left sitting in my draft box for 9 years)

Over the year, through the many challenges life has presented to me, I have grown a strong sense of independence; not some form of training I went into willingly. It was more like I had no choice but to grow up faster than my friends around me.

I fell ill recently and flashbacks of all the other moments when I was ill came rushing to me. I guess I had too much time on hand, lying in bed all day. And these are the flashbacks:

Melvyn (1994) - I went to a chalet to spend a weekend with my friends. We had arranged for him to pick me up at Pasir Ris on a Sunday. That Sunday, I felt unwell when I woke up but did not think much of it. He was sitting at the bus stop with that big smile of his when I came out of the chalet. He came over, took my bags and hugged me. "Maggie Baby, why are you so warm?" was the first thing he said. We took a cab and rushed back to my place. By the time we got back to my place, I was too weak and too much in pain to walk. He panicked and carried me to the clinic. My temperature at the clinic was almost 40. He brought me home and then went out to get me a bowl of porridge. Nobody was at home at that time. He insistently fed me the porridge regardless of my protest. He sat beside my bed, picked up his guitar and started singing me to sleep. The next morning, I woke up and found him, sitting and sleeping at the exact position, hugging his guitar. I was 17.

Keefe (1999) - I had a freak accident and a mirror came crashing on me. I wasn't badly hurt but was left with tiny pieces of glass embedded into my skin. He panicked, ran to the nearest pharmacy in the rain, came back drenched with all the bandages and plasters he could find. As it was New Year's Eve and I had a party to go, he followed me to my friend's private party and stood outside the glass door, taking brief glances at me every once in a while to check if I was all right. After the party, he sent me home, reapplied the bandages and medication for me, tucked me in and left. I was 22.

Robin (2003) - I had high fever and he spent the whole night, sponging me with iced water, in hope of bringing my fever down. I was 26.

To all these men in my life, I thank you for been there for me.

Mother of 2

I went off the radar. Think I will be back here to stay for a little while. Like a staycation. I am a mother of 2 beautiful girls now. No luxury of time to write sappy forlorn love entries. Well... have I gotten myself sorted? I don't know really. Sometimes we always yearn for that little something when we have everything, don't we?
 

Christmas Dresses Galore.. I like..

My Lookbook for The Day

My Lookbook for The Day by parallelbliss featuring Rick Owens

Items in this set:
Rick Owens jacket, 1.885 EUR
Rick Owens sneakers, 695 GBP
Marc Jacobs shoulder bag, $950
Alexander McQueen bracelet, $1,095
Alexander McQueen ring, $310

Christina Louboutin

Christian Louboutin. My favourite shoe designer. Shoes inspired by showgirls. I just love over the top ubersexy heels. One will never miss his signature red-lacquered soles.

Alexandra McQueen clutch

Spotted this clutch while surfing Net-a-Porter. It is a piece of art. Lovely details. McQueen is a genius!! My hero. I just love his 'in-your-face' design. It's crazy to some, especially when it comes to his 10" armadillo stilettos, spotted on the catwalks of his SS2010 shows. The theatrics. Wow!!

OOooHHhh... She's so cute! Saw her at Fandy's wedding last June. She had stolen my heart.

The lovelies

5 years and counting...

It has been 5 years... Wow!! Thinking back... We have came a long, long way. Now, it is just one last look back. I really don't want to look back and wonder why some things were done that way. Well, let's just look forward...

GSExAgnesB (Taipei)

The tee which I designed for Agnes b. Seeing my design printed on tees... Feeling, priceless! :)

The peace has returned. I hope this time it stays longer than the last time. Had embraced a new chapter and it has been great this far. Well, life works in mysterious ways. I am at ease and contented with the way things are around me now. I am FINALLY happy and at peace.

Gravity of separation 1.0

Once again, I return to my writing board. It's strange that I only return at my lowest. Guess it's time like this when words flow out easier. I have decided to make a change. It is definitely so darn difficult to put my foot forward to embrace the change. Well... If this is the way it ends, then it will be the only way out.

Separation will only means the hassle of division of once shared items. That is the worst or should I say, most painful. You would wish that you do not ever have to see that person again but yet recollection brought forth the once-treasured items that you have once so-ever-willingly used money to put your name on it. Now all I can think of is that I want my keyboards back!

Blackbird Fly TLR camera

Twin lens reflex camera. Have yet to read reviews about it. 

Christmas dresses I like.. :)

My Christmas wishlist

I chanced upon this website on Facebook, 'The Little Happyshop'. The site really lives up to its name. It is filled with many pretty things. I fell in love with the green sling bag which is hand-made by a Japanese designer. The embroidery on the bag are all handsewn and there are only 2 such pieces.

I love the bag!!

I love the miumiu harlequin bag with its braided handle. It's really pretty. :)

my prayers to my fellow cancer warriors

Facebook has taken so much of my online time. I swear it's becoming unhealthy. But I'm glad that I found my long lost pal, Audrey, through Facebook. The past couple of weeks were crazy. GSE had three consecutive gigs on Friday (TPRawks), Saturday (Lime Sonic Bang) and Sunday (Toni& Guy event). I was so frustratingly drained by the end of the week, having to juggle with work, jamming and gigs, not forgetting, combating my 2 week long flu simultaneously.

Finally, the well-deserved school holidays are here. I went to NCC, SGH, for my appointment with Dr Lim. Good to know that I made it through a year of remission. Dr Lim spoke of my fellow survivors in the Lymphoma Support Group who were not doing too well. My heart broke. My prayers are with you out there, dealing with your relapses. I wish you well. I feel your pain as I struggle through each day in fear of relapse as well as trying my utmost best to live each day to the fullest. Be brave, my fellow cancer warriors.

I have officially shifted out from my own space and back to my Mum's. It is good to wake up to my maid, asking me what I would like for breakfast. But it cannot and will never replace the times I woke up in the arms of my parallelbliss, sometimes to the pitter-patter sounds of raindrops at my windows, knowing that I could sleep a little longer. My sanctuary, my little heaven. I actually miss that dearly. Till that day I will be sleeping in your warm and safe arms again, my dear.

I held a garage sale the day I shifted out and made $50, literally giving my clothes away at about a dollar each. It was an amazing experience cos I got to finally see my lovely neighbours and made some new friends, ironically after I shifted out.

Currently listening to: 'Window' by Album Leaf

Vintage Synth Collection: I want a Korg RK-100

The 1984 edition of Korg RK100 remote MIDI keyboard! Available in black, red, white and walnut. Sigh... What a beauty..

Old pics of Bali (2006)

I miss our chill-out afternoons at Cafe Del Mar

All I need is the sun, my sunscreen lotion, a couple of issues of Reader's Digest and you by my side.
That will be my favourite way to spend a day.

My first hair appointment at Toni & Guy

It's just crazy. David Mercer, director of Toni & Guy, has offered to cut my hair! I really don't know what to expect on Thursday but I'm very, very excited. Whee.... Will post pics of my new haircut.
Right now, I'm fighting to get well. Have been down with flu since Friday. I guess Saturday just made my condition worst. I had to be at Marina Square for the Bodyshop's Makeover Marathon then followed by a gig at Timbre's 2nd anniversary party. I only got home after midnight. I have been sleeping in since Sunday. It's Tuesday and I'm not feeling any better. I am running a temperature right now and all that is on my mind are my children in school. It's the examination period and I hope they gave their best. By the looks of it, I won't be able to go back to work tomorrow. Sigh.. I am just stuck with the four walls of my room and several bottles of mineral water by my bed.
Please. Please get well soon cos I am going to Toni & Guy. Heh.

I want the dress!

Mutemath's muisc video: 'Typical'

This music video, which premiered on YouTube on March 21, 2007, really kicks ass! In less than 4 days of its premiere, it registered more than 100,000 viewers!! I still can't believe that GSE played at the same music festival as them this year!
Love the concept of the video, which juxtaposes the title of the song. Apparently, the whole band had to do whatever is in the video backwards to get that awesome effect. okok.. This reverse effect is not fresh cos it has already been done before in Jack Johnson's 'sitting waiting wishing'. Also done wayback by Spike Jonze in his renowned work in Pharcyde's 'Drop'. It is all good. I heart Mutemath's video too!
For the video, Paul Meany had to learn to sing the song backwards and props to the drummer, Darren King, who had to play the drumbeats in reverse as well. Paul Meany's keytar aka synthar aka electroponce.... is coolness. It's a Korg RK-100. Yes, I am envious and No, I have not found a keytar yet. Sigh.. Anywhos, check out the making of the video.

An afternoon at Cafe Del Mar, Sentosa

GSE got to be models for a day

Look out for GSE in November issues of FHM and LIME magazines.

Mike's & Jerrine's birthday @ Barracks

Celebrated in a private room at Barracks. An initial intimate affair turned out to be the opposite. It was still a lovely affair. Mike has hoping we pulled out a golf set to his surprise. Sigh.. Sorry Mike. I hope the money from all of us was enough to subsidise that dream set of irons. We actually wanted to get you a PSP. However, through voting, most of us feel money will be good so that you can get whatever you wanted. There was a limited selection of food but it was good. There were about 20 or more of us at a long table. It looked like a scene of 'The Last Supper'. The bill amounted to an amount which somehow wasn't sorted out among oursleves. Douglas, Khai and David had to chip in additional $50 each to try to top up the difference. Saiful and some others joined in to chip in more money. So in the end, we managed to sort out the bill but after a long.... time. In the end, Khai and myself had to pay $200 for our share of dinner. Whatever it was, we had a great evening, chilling out at the veranda. Dino got himself silly drunk and it was quite funny. I hope Mike enjoyed himself too.

What the boys do during a GSE band meeting

Yes, they pose in their GSE t-shirts with pride! They look so adorable!

'Run For Hope' 2007, Siloso Beach

Went for the run with only 3 hours of sleep the night before. Woke up and it was pouring. Arrived at Sentosa at 8 and just in time for the run. As we entered Sentosa Island, as I watched the hordes of people streaming into the island for the run despite the bad weather, I got rather emotional. Everyone was there for a common cause; to raise funds and do their bit for cancer research, a hope for a cure for cancer. God bless all the kind souls who participated in the run.

After having been training on the treadmill for months now, covering at least 15km per week, I thought the run would be a breeze. However, with the lack of sleep and having just recovered from food posioning days before, I finished the last part of the run with a sharp pain in my tummy. Sigh. But anywhos, we finished the run and the feeling was awesome. It was rather dramatic that we finished the race, locking arms. Hahahaha.

We chilled out on the beach and we had the home-made fruit salad. I love it; after a morning run, chilling out on the sand, at the beach... Something we rarely do or have never done on a Sunday. I sure hope the next time we do it, I have enough rest though. Heh.